(I’m enjoying “strongman’ing” each position as a way to show what each side actually believes instead of painting a cartoonish caricature of the opposing viewpoint — as 99.999% of the corporate media does these days.)
Here’s my attempt to show a viable political argument on the state of education in America:
CONSERVATIVE: The problem with you liberals is you think the government is the answer to everything—especially education. You act like throwing more tax dollars at schools will magically make kids smarter, when really all it does is grow some bloated bureaucracy that strangles actual learning.
LIBERAL: Oh, right, because the real problem with education is that we have too much structure? Yeah, let’s just gut funding, let schools fall apart, and hope kids absorb algebra through sheer force of will.
CONSERVATIVE: Schools aren’t failing because of funding; they’re failing because of government meddling. The Department of Education makes everything worse. You’ve got politicians in Washington deciding what’s best for kids they’ve never even met! Schools should be run locally, by parents and communities who actually care.
LIBERAL: Right, because nothing says “quality education” like some random local board with a man with a neck-beard deciding that kids don’t need to learn about history or science because it makes them uncomfortable. Education should be based on facts, not whatever the loudest person in town hall thinks should be in a textbook.
CONSERVATIVE: Oh please, like the federal government doesn’t have its own agenda. You want kids to get a quality education? Get Washington out of the way! Let schools compete, let parents choose, and let teachers teach instead of forcing them to follow some bloated government playbook.
LIBERAL: Ah yes, “competition,” because nothing improves education like turning schools into businesses and students into customers. What’s next? A “gold” membership for smaller class sizes and a premium fee for calculus?
CONSERVATIVE: At least competition would force schools to actually perform. Right now, public schools have ZERO accountability. They can fail kids for decades, and what happens? They just get more funding to keep failing!
LIBERAL: You mean they get funding to FIX problems. You can’t expect a school to work miracles when it’s crumbling, teachers are underpaid, and kids don’t even have books!
CONSERVATIVE: And yet, private schools and charter schools manage just fine without a dime from Washington. Maybe the problem isn’t money—maybe it’s the fact that public schools have no reason to improve because they’re run like government offices where bloated administrators “fail up” instead of treated as places of learning.
LIBERAL: Or maybe the problem is that education is being treated like a business when it should be a PUBLIC GOOD! A kid’s future shouldn’t depend on whether their zip code contains a “good” school or if their parents can afford private tuition.
CONSERVATIVE: And there it is—the classic liberal dream of making everything “equal” by dragging everyone down to the same mediocre level instead of letting the best schools thrive.
LIBERAL: No, the dream is to make sure all kids have access to the SAME quality education, not just the ones lucky enough to be born in the right neighborhoods! That’s why we need a strong, well-funded public education system.
CONSERVATIVE: And that’s exactly why we don’t! Government doesn’t make things better—it makes them bigger, slower, and worse. You want quality? Give parents the power to choose. Let them take their tax dollars and spend them where their kids actually get educated.
LIBERAL: Oh, so just funnel public money into private schools? Yeah, great idea—let’s drain funding from schools that serve everyone and hand it over to schools that can pick and choose their students. That’s not school choice, that’s school exclusion.
CONSERVATIVE: No, that’s called freedom! And it’s something we once believed in and taught in schools by celebrating the forgotten dream of our Founding Fathers. Parents should decide what’s best for their kids, not some bureaucrat who’s never set foot in a classroom.
LIBERAL: And what happens to the kids whose parents can’t afford to shop around for a “better” school? Oh, right, they just get left behind in whatever’s left of the public system after all the funding is siphoned away!
CONSERVATIVE: If the public system actually worked, parents wouldn’t be desperate for other options!
LIBERAL: If we actually invested in the public system instead of starving it, maybe parents wouldn’t need other options!
CONSERVATIVE: So your answer is just to keep dumping money into a broken system and hope this time it magically works?
LIBERAL: And your answer is to privatize education and let the free market decide which kids get a good future?
CONSERVATIVE: Exactly! Schools should be forced to compete! If they fail, they shut down—just like any other failing business.
LIBERAL: Schools aren’t businesses! They’re supposed to educate everyone, not just the ones who can afford a “good” one!
CONSERVATIVE: You’re just mad that parents want a way out of failing schools instead of trusting Washington to fix things (because they never will … because politicans can’t properly fix a problem they created in the first place).
LIBERAL: And you’re just mad that a functioning public system would prove that government can do things well.
CONSERVATIVE: You think schools should be controlled by the government.
LIBERAL: And you think schools should be controlled by whoever has the most money.
CONSERVATIVE: Schools should be accountable to parents!
LIBERAL: Schools should be accountable to students!
CONSERVATIVE: Exactly! Kids should actually learn something, not just get passed along so schools can collect more funding!
LIBERAL: Yes! Schools should be places where kids actually succeed, not just pipelines to either debt or dead-end jobs!
CONSERVATIVE: Exactly! No more failing schools dragging kids down just because no one holds them accountable!
LIBERAL: Yes! No more schools failing kids just because they don’t have the resources to succeed!
(Pause. They glance at each other, suspicious.)
CONSERVATIVE: …Wait.
LIBERAL: No.
CONSERVATIVE: We’re not agreeing.
LIBERAL: Definitely not.
CONSERVATIVE: You twisted my words.
LIBERAL: You twisted mine.
CONSERVATIVE: Typical liberal dishonesty!
LIBERAL: Classic conservative nonsense!
(They shake their heads, turn, and walk off in opposite directions—each convinced they just won the argument.)
