Tonight you turn on tv. CNN, Fox News, MSNBC. All media sources, all newspapers, all outlets: they all scream one thing:
You must decide in a handful of months what the entire country is to have for dinner.
Unfortunately there are only two options. A pile of cow manure. OR a pile of horse manure. Those are your choices! You’ll be asked to vote for your choice in November.
Everyone has an opinion on the matter.
“Well, the horses are majestic beasts and eat more grains,” some declare.
“But the cows are more relaxed and less constipated,” others opine.
The history of the horse’s breed is examined tirelessly. Some experts even trumpet that they know one pile of manure or the other is healthier for you. Some pundits call the cow a tactless choice because it’s stupid and has bad hair so its fecal matter won’t taste nearly as good as the horse’s. The cow’s pedigree and cloven hooves are examined for the slightest defect.
You scratch your head and try to understand this madness. Both options — the horse excrement and cow excrement — both seem like horrendous choices. Why is this happening to us?
But you sit back and examine the options nonetheless. Pondering and curious, you ask yourself: why are these the only two options for America?
Then you turn on the Internet to look for a possible way out. Wait, what’s this?? There’s a third option? Amazing. This looks incredible!! Why isn’t this option talked about anywhere?
Steak, mashed potatoes, and gravy + a side salad and corn on the cob for the vegetarians. This is astonishing! Why is no one mentioning this ever-so-delicious third option for America’s dinner table?!? We could all be saved!
It looks succulent and so much better than the digested waste of a 4-legged animal. Why is this third dining option for America not being seriously discussed?
You ask around and supporters of the cow manure option give you the same answer as die-hard supporters (as well as apathetic supporters) of the horse manure. They say: “well, there’s no chance we will have the steak and potatoes option! It won’t get enough votes.”
You ask why would people want to eat horse crap or cow crap for 4 years versus a delicious steak dinner for the same time period? They say: “a vote for delicious steak would be throwing your vote away.” You ask “but, rather, wouldn’t a vote for inedible crap actually be throwing your vote away?” They stare blankly at you.
I stare blankly at you, America. Wake up and realize there’s a 3rd option. Don’t make us all eat horse or bull crap when we don’t have to.