A fictional political argument I penned this am. If only they all actually ended this way progress might actually be made…
* * *
CONSERVATIVE: The problem with you liberals is you want to raise kids in a padded playpen, keeping them safe from every bump and bruise so they never learn how to stand on their own. Life’s tough, but instead of preparing them for reality, you want to wrap them in bubble wrap and call it “opportunity.”
LIBERAL: Oh, right, because your idea of “preparing” them is throwing them in the ocean and calling it swimming lessons. You think struggle is some magical virtue, but half the people drowning never even had a life jacket to begin with.
CONSERVATIVE: And you think the solution is to turn the whole world into a kiddie pool? You don’t make people strong by coddling them. You have to let them fall, let them fail, so they learn to pick themselves back up.
LIBERAL: Oh, please. You don’t want them to “learn” anything—you just don’t want to admit some people are handed parachutes while others are pushed off a cliff. A fair shot means more than just saying “good luck” while half of them are crawling uphill.
CONSERVATIVE: You act like the only way to get ahead is if the government holds your hand. But life’s a mountain, and the climb should be hard. It builds strength, resilience—things you liberals don’t seem to value anymore.
LIBERAL: Oh, give me a break. Life is a mountain, but some people start at sea level while others are dropped off at the peak. And you just yell “climb harder!” like that makes any sense.
CONSERVATIVE: Because it does! Effort matters! You don’t make the peak lower just because some people start further down! You climb! That’s the point!
LIBERAL: No, the point is making sure people actually can climb! That they have gear, safety ropes—something other than just “hope you make it”!
CONSERVATIVE: You keep talking about “gear” like people should just be handed everything. If you want something, you go out and earn it!
LIBERAL: And how do you earn something when the system was designed to keep you out? It’s not about handouts, it’s about access!
CONSERVATIVE: Oh, here we go—access! That’s just another way of saying “give me things for free” instead of working for them!
LIBERAL: No, it’s another way of saying stop making people fight twice as hard for the same thing just because of where they started!
CONSERVATIVE: And how do you fix that? By making everything easier? By handing out trophies just for showing up?
LIBERAL: No, by making sure people actually have a fair shot! You don’t get stronger by suffering pointlessly—you get stronger by having the tools to succeed!
CONSERVATIVE: Exactly! You don’t build strength by relying on someone else to do it for you! You take responsibility, you work hard, and you push through!
LIBERAL: Right! But working hard should actually get you somewhere instead of keeping you stuck in the same place!
CONSERVATIVE: Yes! People should have the ability to succeed, not be trapped by a system that benefits only a few!
LIBERAL: Exactly! No one should have to work twice as hard just to get half as far!
CONSERVATIVE: Yes! People should be rewarded fairly for their efforts instead of being held back by circumstance!
LIBERAL: Exactly! No one should just expect a free ride! They should have to earn success!
CONSERVATIVE: Right! People should take personal responsibility! No more expecting handouts just because life isn’t easy!
LIBERAL: Exactly! No more keeping people down just so the privileged few can stay on top!
CONSERVATIVE: Yes! We need a system where hard work actually matters!
LIBERAL: Yes! We need a system where hard work actually pays off!
(They both pause, blinking, then squint at each other suspiciously.)
CONSERVATIVE: …Wait.
LIBERAL: …What?
CONSERVATIVE: I don’t like the way you’re looking at me.
LIBERAL: I don’t like the way you’re looking at me.
CONSERVATIVE: I feel like you just agreed with me.
LIBERAL: I feel like you just agreed with me.
CONSERVATIVE: No. Impossible.
LIBERAL: Yeah, no, obviously not.
CONSERVATIVE: You twisted my words.
LIBERAL: You twisted mine.
CONSERVATIVE: Typical liberal manipulation.
LIBERAL: Classic conservative delusion
